Golf Outing, Fall 2014
annual Class of 1964 fall golf outing transpired on Friday, October 9, 2014
at the beautiful and renowned Yale Golf Course, voted #1 college golf course in America and ranked #45 of the top 100 classical golf courses in America.
The following account of the outing was provided by Chris Getman. Chris puts the "chronic" in "chronicler," as he seems to be forever addicted to the use of fiction and myth when describing real-world sporting events. Perhaps the golfing talents of the Class of '64 demand such embellishment. Or perhaps Chris lives in a parallel universe. Or perhaps both.
Golf Outing, Fall, 2014
The day broke crisp and clear. Hoffmann, who had driven up from Philadelphia, got out of his car and immediately handed in his letter of reservation. “This is outrageous,” said Professor John Tully, a rookie to the group. “I set aside a whole day to play at the class outing, and we get gorgeous weather. What kind of crap is that?” Jon McBride, another first timer, reiterated Tully’s sentiments, as did Melissa Padley, Sam and Ann Crocker, Marcia Kalayjian, Dave Elliott, Jeff Clark, and Heather Post, also in the event for the first time. A resounding vote of no confidence was issued for Hoffmann, especially since there were three hurricanes circling the U.S. at the time.
Since we had 26 golfers, the usual pre-match banter and bicker at Widdy’s, where many points are usually amassed, was scratched due to an 11:30 tee time.
The foursome of Lee, McBride, Clark, and Elliott took off before the group photo and were assessed six strokes for a false start (kind of like a sailboat race, when one goes over the line before the gun). They were automatically disqualified. McBride added another six on the first tee and was well on his way to building an outdoor brick grill at Mory’s (the bogey was $10 per lost ball, payable to The Mory’s Association), which will be placed next to the Putzel mausoleum.
The next foursome was the Kalayjians and the Wickwires. Dave reported that Tracy drove the green on 2 and 17, Ward had three chip-ins, Marcia made four forty-foot putts, and Dave hit into the group ahead of them, who was on the green, with his second shot on 18. Unfortunately, Tracy played from the green tees, much to the dismay of other witnesses avowing advanced age and decrepitude, and her foursome was disqualified for “taunting.” Good sportsmanship is the mantra of the class of 1964.
This foursome was followed by Hoffmann and his usual cadre of ringers, Bob Chester, Randy Schultz, and Jeff Newhams, all three of whom were recently back from a FEMA-induced trip sandbagging some bayous in southern Louisiana. While they claimed a net 58, that was only for one ball, not the two that the tournament director had instructed. Hoffmann whined that Lee had said it was for the one best ball per foursome before he disappeared over the hill Four more strokes, not that it mattered, were added to Lee’s group for “interference.” While Hoffmann’s 58 might have been legitimate, he failed to remember that in exchange for his bringing in all of the ringers, each member of his foursome was required to smoke at least six cigars, in order to level the field. A crestfallen Hoffmann, ecstatic about what he assumed was a winning score, quietly admitted that he and Chester had smoked only two and accepted the automatic disqualification stoically.
Next up were Sam and Ann Crocker and Chuck and Heather Post, who met each other for the first time. They hit it off famously, which is one of the great rewards of the outing. Finding out that they both belonged to a club in the Adirondacks, but had never met, so engaged were they in the conversation that they skipped t4 and 15 and were immediately scratched. Even though they played only 16 holes, they posted a net 66, so it didn’t matter anyway.
The fivesome of Dave Lindsay, John Tully, Ted Jones, and Martin and Melissa Padley were next up. Jones, who had stopped at J. Press and visited the “Ricky Fowler Santa goes on vacation” section, was resplendent in his plus fours with matching plaid vest and hat. This caused a chastened McFarland, usually the fashion maven of the group, to hide under a rock.
The group got off to a great start with Lindsay parring #1 for a net 2. However,
Intimidated by the $10 Mory’s bogey for lost balls, the newlywed Padleys headed into the woods to allegedly find an errant sphere. When they emerged three minutes later, a smiling Padley, recently released from the witness-protection program and back for the first time in about ten years, asked “Does anyone know the similarity between shopping and sex?” When no one could answer, he grinned and said, “Because men don’t like to do either for more than five minutes.” Tully emerged as a dark horse who, in his pending retirement from the Yale Chemistry Department, is promising to play more, but the distraction of the Padleys continually looking for lost balls proved to be a distraction and the group posted a 63.
Finally, Don Edwards, a 28, Bill Galvin, a 10, who typically arrived as we were on the tee, Tim Nolan, who finally admitted to being an 8, the chastened McFarland, an 18, and Getman, a 26, knowing that the pre-described conditions assured victory, fired a double-best-ball net of 119. McFarland dumped two into the pond
on three and was stripping down to his plaid trunks when the rangers told him to keep moving. As he was emerging from the pond, he noticed a pair of McBride’s plaid boxers along the bank as well. Once a Scotsman, always a Scotsman.
McFarland graciously rectified his lost-ball problem with a gift to Mory’s as did the Kalayjians, Jones, and Galvin. Others have yet to be forthcoming. Thanks to Galvin’s pulling a battered Slazenger out of the bushes on nine, Getman did not lose a ball.
The event at Mory’s was a lot of fun. We had 25 diners at a table designed for 22, but no one seemed to mind. By acclamation, Hoffmann was reappointed Chairman for the outing in the Spring, but only after he promised three inches of rain and gale-force wind.